I really wanted your whole good guy thing to be fun and cool. But I already, 2 weeks later, have to completely take it back.
Cody and Damien are best friends. Cody grows a mustache and you make a gay joke. Damien responds in a socially acceptable way more or less, and you just talk over him in the most sophomoric way possible.
I’m glad Cody is trouncing you verbally. I hope someone trounces you later. Perhaps the hair of Damien Sandow’s beard didn’t rub off on Cody Rhodes when you allege they were kissing. Perhaps when The Rock attacked you at Survivor Series last year, his homophobia rubbed off on you. Could have been Cena too, I don’t know. Right now Cena is too busy being condescending to women, but that doesn’t mean you should be picking up his slack.
Also, preemptive “fuck you” to anyone who thinks I’m taking things too seriously. I’m tired of nonsense like this, especially from people I want to like or have liked in the past.
Also, hey, some people have penises and also like the color pink. Get the fuck over it, every good guy wrestler. I mean, except for John Cena when it’s in the name of cancer in conjunction with a awful charity for jerks.
And I don’t think I need to tell you how mad I will be if The Rock or Brock beat Punk for his title and how much angrier I will be if it’s Brock just so The Rock can beat him for the WWE title and get him back for summerslam.
I hope we’ll be able to stop blowing the Rock all day, because it seems like that birthday party of his never ended.
Hopefully, Brock can not look so doughy and The Rock can get in Actual Fucking Shape, because then at least I can pretend to be excited when everyone else is excited while pretending those guys have put on countless five star classics even though they were mostly wrestling guys like Kurt Angle or whoever that had great matches without even trying.
Find something better to do with his time than being an asshole and polluting the water.
Do just a little bit of research and find out that he too has a gnome.
Be A Star.
Work on his promos.
Maybe actually have sex with somebody instead of talking all the time about having sex with somebody like he’s Scott Fucking Steiner.
Win all of America’s wars, but I guess he is only qualified to beat up limey white people in the 18th century.
Put a boot to somebody’s ass.
Get a tattoo of all of his catchphrases on his wrist so he wont have trouble cycling through them again.
Enjoy a hearty bowl of Fruity Pebbles.
Think about the problematic nature of his comparing Cena to cereal when he cannot fire back comparing The Dwayne to Cocoa Puffs without being racist.
Formulate a formal apology to the trans* community.
Formulate a formal apology to the gay community.
Maybe think about how using the word “midget” is an actual insult to the people you call “midgets”, [“this is an insult to midgets”].
Think about how someone would be able to show someone else how something smells.
Think about how John Cena likely doesn’t have any say on what merch is sold with his name on it.
Think about how someone turns a ball sideways.
Maybe think about redirecting his hate from Cena to the fans that cheered him in the first place.
In fact, maybe think twice about alienating the people that do cheer him on. Especially children, because you look like a real dick.
Think about redirecting hate to the guy who is also giving you a payday in Vinnie Mac who runs the show at the end of the day.
Think about how the patriots you claimed were the best ever, (aside from you) would have you picking cotton.
Actually invent a “time travel machine” instead of making jokes about flux capacitors and making me think about Kazarian.
Think about how much harder life would be if he was actually 50% horse.
Think about how big his dick would have to be to constitute 50% of his being.
Think about how having a horse sized penis would be more problematic and painful for partners than anything else. Unless you are fucking actual horses. Which is against the law, as far as I know.
Consider what other times the fighting would stop outside of “when the fighting was done”.
Consider, if he actually makes the time machine, doing something different then settling a petty feud and instead using it to stop genocide or something. Especially if he is on par with Ben Franklin as far as brilliance goes.
Actually be charismatic.
Not make fun of someone for having qualities of the nineties when he is a product of said decade.
Learn to play the guitar
Get speared by Goldberg
Work out how he’s going to sell Cena’s moves and how many rolls he’ll do after having his attitude adjusted.
Make a good movie that isn’t about cars driving.
Okay, that last one might have been too much to ask.